Take all of the most questionably gay aspects of all the Final Fantasy games, magnify them by 100, blow it up with dynamite, vacuum the ashes, blow up the vacuum, and you get Lost Odyssey. I needed a bit of an RPG fix, not an RPG ruin. Yes, I knew it was going to be a typical Japanese RPG, but I convinced myself that it couldn’t be that bad. After Blue Dragon and a few other RPG’s, I can honestly say that I’m frightened to put anything of this genre into my Gamefly queue.
The starting battle was exciting, but it quickly lost its luster with the most mundane turn-based exchange of blows. There was nothing special to learn or anything unique to look out for. Now, I love turn-base RPG’s, but this was the most primitive hit-and-get-hit formula. I understand that they didn’t want to bring out all of the big guns at once so I waited for the next battle. I was back in the village talking to people about other people that I should talk to. The most exciting part about this adventure was kicking trash cans (literally) to find magic components and items for my quests. What if I wanted a half-eaten burger instead of Phoenix Down? And who the hell throws away perfectly good life potions?
As I was unfolding the plot, I really wanted to understand what was going on and read everything. Scene after scene I was listening and reading about some sort of conspiracy that involves “Magic Energy.” Of all the stupid names I’ve heard for magic in RPG’s, this one leveled itself beyond 99.
Just when I thought I was going to do battle, I had to read more screens of text. At this point, the beer is wearing off and so is my patience but I wanted to stick it out a little more. Nope, here comes more reading, listening and walking around a village full of overly happy children, confused soldiers, and citizens that never sit. Why don’t they ever sit down? Let’s go through a quick checklist.
- Flamboyant outfits that embarrass you to play the game in front of others (check!).
- The hero having longer hair than the female characters (check!).
- A mysterious hero with amnesia (check!).
- Shitty name for the use of magic (check!).
- A conspiracy involving magic and its uses (check!).
- Typical Final Fantasy victory tune (check!).
- Kicking trash cans to get magical potions and items (check!).
- A lot of fucking reading (check!).
- Loud-mouth party member that is gayer than the hero (check!).
This list could go on and on but I only played it for 30 minutes and 22 minutes of it was confirming that checklist. This is not an American bash on Japanese RPG’s but for god sakes, can they come up with better formulas? If not, how about something with a completely new art direction.
0 comments